Messing up
by actually it is just me
Summary: 'I wish I had your life' Those words left her thinking


**Disclaimer, Teen Wolf belongs to Jeff Davis**

 **I don't speak english well, but i try so please be patient with me,**

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I wish I had your life"

1 sentence, 6 words, 17 letters that had left her thinking.  
A year or two ago she would have laughed, smiled, flipped her hair, said something ingenious and at the same time offensive, yeah that's definitively what the beautiful and itelligent queen bee Lydia Martin would had done.

In the morning,at school, when a junior girl told her that sentence, her tongue had became dry , the words slipped from her mouth, she pursed her lips and nodded.  
How could someone want Her life?

Were they dumb?

Stupid?

No one would want her life, except if the person was a suicide moron that wanted to suffer.

And even in that case , that person will become crazy and wish his dead.

Seriously , as if having a n impulse of finding bodies, hearing voices in her head , and feeling a horrible, aching desire and need to scream was such a good life.

She almost wanted to scream( see the desire) and cry in front of the poor girl, telling her that she wouldn't want to be her, and that her life was perfect compared to hers.  
But she didn't, that girl did not deserved her fury.

The reason?

Easy.

She did't knew.

Yeah the school had been invaded by any kind of supernatural they have faced and suffered the consequences.

God, they have faced scott as a new werewolf and his desires, peter as an alpha, jackson, her ex-boyfriend , in the form of a kanima, the alpha pack, the darach ( this one even was their teacher) the Nogistune, the benefactor, theo's pack and the beast.  
They even saw the beast, for peter's sake!

But they didn't knew.

No one knew.

They were all ignorants to the supernatural, some more than others, believe her.

She knew it.

Just 2 years ago she had been one of those people ignorant to the supernatural group.  
If someone asked her in that time if the monsters were real, she would have answered no and laughed of the person.

Now she couldn't tell the same.

If her life was messed up?

Yeah it was,

And she admitted it.

So many people had came into her live and leaved her, and it was okey, she didn't blamed them .  
she would have done the same thing.

Who would want to be with a psycho freak that escaped nude from the hospital, got lost in the forest, and was interned in Eichen house ?

Yes ,she was still beautiful and desired, got better and returned to her lost glory, but still.  
Some times she catchs people watching her with a frown, whispering about her, believing she doesn't notice.

But she does.

There are days in which she wakes up in the middle of the night crying .

Crying for all those people that are gone, a she couldn't help

.  
For Erica.  
For Boyd.  
For Aiden  
For Tracey.  
For Josh.  
For Donovan.

For _Allison_.

She used to laugh at Erica and her seizures when she was no better than her, in fact she was worst.

When the girl got turned to a werewolf she still felt superior, even if Erica had things she didn't had and will never obtain, maybe if she hadn't been a bitch to the girl she would be alive, probably, maybe.

Boyd, the gentle giant that just wanted some friends, she criticized him too.

It was her fault, everything was.

When she met Aiden she just wanted a distraction, she had even said it, the boy was handsome, and in the beginning, part of the Alpha pack, the villain, it could be said. But when Scott became the alpha he and his twin were loyal to him, and, when the Nogistune occurred ,they helped.

By the time she felt his dead approaching, it was too late, she was always late.

When she met Tracey she got a connection to the girl, and even if she became one of the bad ones and part of theo's pack, the girl meant something to her.  
Same with the other chimeras.

And there was Allison.

Beautiful , sweet, wonderful, deadly and intelligent Allison.

An imperfect being that was perfect in all the possible ways at the same time.

The girl who became her best friend.

The girl who taught her how to smile even if the life was a bitch .

The girl that lost her mom.

The girl who protected her from everything, specially herself.

The girl who taught her that not all monsters do monstrous things.

The girl who was a princess and a deadly machine at the same time.

The girl who saved _her._

Who saved them all.

 _I'm sorry Allison, it should have been me._

There was a time after her death in which she waked up in her grave after sleepwalking in the night.

It doesn't happens to her now and she doesn't knows if she should feel relieved or afraid.

Afraid of forgetting her.

Kira was a sweet person, Malia was , well, herself and even though they both were good friends,but no one was Allison.

Malia isn't Allison.

Kira isn't Allison.

Some days she talks to Scott about it, Kira is gone, and even when she was still here, she didn't understood.  
she can't talk to Stiles or Malia .

Stiles still feels guilty about it.

Malia tries to be empathic and understand ,but she doesn't, she didn't met Allison,

Malia is a good person, she even dumped Stiles cause he knew he loved Lydia and she just wanted to see her friend and her first love happy.

So she talks to Scott.

 _'It still feels like if someone put a hole in my chest'_

 _'I need to look at my reflection and tell myself that everything will be okay'_

 _'I miss her'_

 _'I miss her too'_

And here she is at his house crying in his room, being held by his strong arms and silent tears, cause he knows.

He always knew.

He knows what it feels to lose someone that important, he has felt it twice.

He knows what it feels having Stiles in his life just like her, they both love him in different ways.

He loves him just like a brother can.  
She loves him just like a lover can.

Scott knows what she suffers, and why she can't recover.

He is as broken as she is.

If someone had told her 2 years ago that she, one day, was going to befriend Mccall and see him like a brother, with the addition of falling in love with Stilinski she would have sent him directly to Eichen House.

But it happened.

And here she is being part of a supernatural pack , grieving for the ones she wasn't at time and crying for broken shades that couldn't be saved.

Phantoms of the past calling her like a siren song , reminding her of her mistakes.

Neux protex...

The pack needs them, Beacon Hills needs them an there is no time to fall apart.

If he can continue, she can continue too.

For the pack, her family.

For Scott, her alpha and friend.

For Stiles, the one she loves the most.

For Allison, her best friend, even in the after life.

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 **What do you think?**

 **I felt there was a lacking of characters toughts,**

 **review what do you think, if your liked it or not**

 **should i continue, stop?**

 **tell me**

 **Bye, Lina**


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